blues-y

I want to spend my birthday alone this year. By that I mean a lot of time away from family, friends, loved one. I will be a stranger among strangers, hiding away in anonymity (as if hahabulin ng paparazzi haha).

I think I need this – to feel a sense of independence, to know for sure that I can be who I am without the usual people around me. To be honest, I’ve been craving for this for years. This desire to break away. I get it at random moments. I vividly remember a time when I was sitting in a jeepney on Buendia, and I wanted to literally fly through the window and just go far, far away. Of course I was stuck between office workers and men in sando until I alighted in front of RCBC, but I will never forget that feeling. That was me, on a cliff, wanting desperately – excitedly – to fly off the edge.

It's not that I'm unhappy. I actually find it hard to accept that at almost 27 years old and nearly married, I’m still looking for that part of myself that the universe hasn’t bestowed on me yet. I'm already so blessed, what is there to pine for? But I think I have to face the fact that the search for myself isn't over. I think I have to live with it, and keep moving forward.

these dreams

I had a dream last night, about J. Or I think that’s who it was, because it didn’t really look like him. But I know what I felt: “this is my ex.” Maybe the guy in the dream was a consolidation of all my past…men. Except that I only had one official past, and the others were just figments of my overactive imagination. But still.

I digress. It was a strange dream, like all dreams I have about my past in general (and there are quite a few).

We were in a public place. A bar? A party? Maybe. There were friends around. M was there, too, but on the other side of the room. Meanwhile, J sat across from me at a counter. So yeah maybe this was at a bar. Which is weird because I haven’t been to one in very a long time.

We were talking, and I felt like he was a friend. Completely benign. Completely genuine. And like friends who are close to you, he held my hand while we were talking.

I didn’t think anything of it until it was pointed out to me by another person in the group. I thought, “what’s the big deal?”

I retracted my hand anyway.

The next scene found me in a separate room (still at the party?) with M. Only he didn’t look exactly like M, but sort of him plus Rob that cutie guy from the current season Pinoy Big Brother. But I knew it was him and I knew we were okay.

Then I woke up.

I’m not sure what it means. I’ve just about given up trying to explain my dreams. I never really get anywhere. I just know that my sanity, reason, morality and basic sense go flying out the window every time.

Or maybe I should just stop watching PBB.

***
In other news, absence does make the heart grow fonder. I missed blogspot!

pathways

One more time (sorry Blogger, I've been neglecting you):

Pathways.

the best way to learn is to teach.

What a week this has been. To think it's only Wednesday.

Deadlines and missed deadlines, unexpected meetings, absences, doctor's visit, laaaaaaaaaate nights.

PLUS...I gave my first ever academic (?) lecture a couple of days ago. Yep. Me. Together with two colleagues, I've been asked to give a short (uber mega condensed) course on urban and regional planning to a group of architects. The very first lecture was one of the most nerve-wracking, stressful things I have ever done. It did not help that those architects are Mark's officemates. Talk about pressure.

But this -- teaching,  that is -- is unequivocally also one of the most fulfilling endeavors I have ever undertaken.  I've always (and often secretly) wanted to be a teacher. The problem was that I have always been the shy one, which everybody mistook for snobbish, sorry. I did try out, once upon a naive time, but I failed miserably because I could not get my words out.  

Years later, I'm finding out how...easy it could be. Not a walk in a park, to be sure, just easy in the sense that it could come so naturally. I'm actually surprised, because sometimes at home I can't even get a word in edgewise -- especially with mama! Tonight was Lecture/Module 2, and it took a bit longer to finish (Planning Theory, what do you expect?),  but I'm getting and more comfortable. Can't wait for the next one.

Len's right, it's like a drug. One of the best parts is thinking of ways to make the sessions interesting and fun.  That and seeing people engaged in discussion, participating, learning from one another. I really think that I thrive in an environment of constant learning, so to be able to facilitate that kind of activity is heaven for me.

If the universe permits, I would love to be able to do this for the rest of my life. Hear me out, U. :)

come on over

My few fans, hop on over to my wedding/whatever blog and my "serious" blog for more thrills.

No, I am not leaving blogger - I hold this sanctuary near and dear to my heart - but Wordpress works better in the office (hooray for wasted corporate hours) and it's kinda cool (blogger admin please don't delete my account or give me a virus out of spite, for I do love you). Anyhow, I might be cross-posting my entries, as soon as I know how (wonder when that will be, nuninu)

For "protected" posts, I'll give out the passwords when I'm ready. ;)

See you there. You know you love me. xoxo

Eraserheads: The Final Set

Impromptu. AS IN. Really wasn’t supposed to go anymore. A few days ago we had decided that if we didn’t get free passes to the concert, we would go to Intramuros instead for the World War II commemoration at Fort Santiago. Not sure why, maybe coz I felt like I couldn’t accept anything less than front row after the last concert hahaha, or nagi-guilty ako about the expenses. Plus the Intramuros event sounded really good (picnic and music and exhibits and such – geekdom yeesss. And Carlos Celdran was going to be there!).

By lunchtime Saturday, I had informed my friends that I couldn’t get the free tickets. So I thought that was that.

At 7pm, Mark and I were hanging out at PICC after a busy day of wedding preps (booked caterer and bridal car yey). Mark suddenly said, “Tara nood tayo.”

Who was I to object? Hahahaha. So calls were made, an ecstatic Camille was whisked to MOA by clueless Tito Sel (sikat ba yang Eheads na yan?”), and 10 minutes later I still could not believe we were driving to MOA. The traffic! The people! Will we make it? The countdown, we’re going to miss the first song! Whhhyyyyy did we decide to do this? Gaaaaah. On our way we got texts and calls from Len (already inside, dami na tao), Rhea (dining with Ajeet at Icebergs, already bought tickets), and Cherry (nagpapabili ng tickets, still in Cavite en route to Manila!). Was unable to contact Shiva, until finally I got through and learned she was in the theater watching Watchmen. Whuut?

I was in line for tickets at 15 past 7. Had them in my hands at 8:30. Soooooo many (restless) people were still queuing. All I could think was, malas. They were going to miss at least the first half. I sprinted to the concert grounds where Mark and Camille were waiting, outside Silver A. I learned I had already missed the first three songs. Bwiset. Get in, get in!

Then boom. Sea of people. You know when you’re assaulted by this mélange of sounds and sights and smells and you just go, whoa. But hey, this was it, we had to dive in. Grabe. Ang LAPIT namin - sa screen, hahahahaha! This was definitely not SVIP. Boo. I couldn’t even see the goddamn stage. Just people people people everywhere. We squeezed in, found a spot right beneath the screen (stiff neck ito), and stood our ground for the next two hours.

The vibe was definitely different – eons away – from the last concert. The last was so extremely tension-filled, everyone was holding their breath. This time, the four guys onstage seemed to tell us, hey, just chill.

And we did. We just enjoyed watching them have fun up there. They carried the mood throughout. It was so light and laidback I felt like I was at the UP Fair, kicking back and relishing the moment. When they went back after the encore performance and sang three more songs "for the road" everyone was like, "orayt, let's rock on." So relaxed. Good times.

The way they performed was also not just an acknowledgment of what they were as Ehaads, but of who they are now. Marcus taking the mic with his fun rendition of Huwag Mo Nang Itanong, and Raimund completely filling the stage for three songs (hmm, did not like his Alkohol as much), and all the other moments that made them shine individually that night told us that each of them has a full, complete life beyond the Eheads, and they look like they’re enjoying it. So should we.

And Ely and Raimund singing together, man…there is a friendship there, a bond, some form of connection or whatever you wish to call it - something that will endure, despite the difficult times, going separate ways, and the obvious fact that they can’t share a stage longer than two hours. Such a thrill. What a statement.

I felt so happy for them, for finally accepting that Eheads indeed was and still is part of history – Ely declaring “We are the Eraserheads” was truly a pivotal moment – and for embracing the love that their fans continue to give them. More importantly, for they way they’ve matured and moved forward and, even more importantly, for loving music the way they do.

It was a bittersweet symphony, an apt ending to a beautiful chapter in our interwoven, music-filled lives. Now it's time to flip the page.

I think that The Final Set was a lesson for all of us: to love them as Eheads, yes, but also to accept the journey that they are on today. It’s the same one we’re taking I guess, because we can’t be 15 forever. We’re all growing up, all moving on somehow, and coming into our own. It’s comforting to know we will always have their music – past, present, future – to take with us on the road. The Eheads will, after all, live forever.

...magkahawak ang ating kamay at walang kamalay-malay, na tinuruan mo ang puso ko na umibig nang tunay...